Judy L. Mandel
Posts Tagged ‘replacement child’
Hidden Reasons for Exploding #Relationships
Wednesday, September 1st, 2010Have you ever wondered why everything you do seems to disappoint someone? Or why you keep choosing the same kind of wrong person to be in a relationship with? How about why you are sometimes triggered into an emotional reaction that seems over the top?
At one time or another in my life, I answered yes to all of the above. After writing Replacement Child, which entailed no small amount of soul searching and honest self-evaluation, I would suggest that you might want to look farther into your past–and your family history–than most people ever do. And, I’m talking about even with most professional counselors. I have been to my fair share of therapists over the years, marriage counselors mostly, who never once touched on the fact that my family suffered a tragic plane crash that killed my older sister. Since I brushed aside any thought that this family history could affect my present life, so did they. So, harboring the responsibility to live up to the promise of my killed sister didn’t come up. Or the self-identity issues that came with it. Not until I unearthed it myself by writing my story.
I would suggest that many people may have underlying “promises” that hinder their relationships and keep them from being their full self. Even something further back in your family history may be having an affect on your reactions and internalizations of situations. I think of my own son and how he will probably always have some impact on his personality and life from that long ago plane crash because of how my parenting was affected by it.
You may also wonder why a simple question from your spouse or partner may set you off–when they think it was innocuous. I always had an intense emotional response when my boyfriend or husband walked away in the middle of an argument, or turned away from me. Now I know that it was a deep memory of my father’s aloof coolness toward me.
Looking deeper into your own background, and farther back into your family history may turn up some surprising parallels for you if you are in the midst of a troubled relationship, or just trying to figure yourself out.
Cover story for REPLACEMENT CHILD
Monday, August 23rd, 2010Psychological Look at Replacement Children
Saturday, August 14th, 2010Another interesting look at replacement children at http://tinyurl.com/yjqkfay
What is a Replacement Child?
Saturday, August 7th, 2010When I start to talk about my book, Replacement Child, the first question I am usually asked is “what is a replacement child?” I then explain that it is not a term I invented, but that I found the term in my research around grieving and loss, especially that of a child. The following link gives a very clear definition, and offers clinical background to the reasons and cautions behind the syndrome:
Van Gogh’s Fantasies of Replacement: Being a Double and a Twin — Blum 57 6: 1311 — Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association
Thursday, July 29th, 2010Listen to the Newest Discussion for Replacement Child on Syndicated Radio Show
Wednesday, July 28th, 2010Last week I had the pleasure of talking with Kim Iverson of Your Time with Kim on her syndicated radio program, broadcast in nine metro areas. We talked about some misconceptions out there about replacement children and how parents can avoid some of the negative effects on children they decide to have after losing a child. Briefly, we touched on the Travolta/Preston news that they are expecting–wishing them the best with adding to their family.
You can listen to this latest discussion here. Thanks for tuning in! Let me know your thoughts about it on the blog.
Watch a Reading of Replacement Child
Tuesday, July 27th, 2010In April, I was invited to read from my book Replacement Child at Central Connecticut State University. You can watch the video of that reading here. Just scroll down the page to the video.
Hope you enjoy it!
Remembering Letters from My Father this Father’s Day
Thursday, June 17th, 2010This Father’s Day I’m choosing to focus on the letters my father wrote to me in his later years. Those are the thoughts and feelings I want to remember as his true ones–the ones he submerged for most of my childhood. For some reason, it was only in written form that my dad could tell me how he felt about me. I’m grateful he found a way, otherwise I would have always felt that his distant attitude toward me was the only truth of our relationship.
If you’ve read Replacement Child, you’ll recognize parts of the following from Chapter Fifty-Six in the book:
I’m reading through letters from my father. He had such a beautiful handwriting, and–surprisingly–was the better of my parents at expressing his emotions on paper. Whenever I find one of letters to me, buried in a sock drawer or folded in among my jewelry, I wind up blubbering at his words. I never heard these kinds of thoughts from his own lips, and never knew them as a child. Almost all of his letters to me were written after I was an adult, and most after he was 70.
As I look back now, many of his letters still defined me in terms of my sister:
Even when we felt you were being neglected you showed strength and understanding to love Linda as much as we did, and to show that love to her.
Or, I was their hope, their healer, that he finally learned to love:
One of the greatest gifts given to us at an essential time of our lives was when the gods delivered you into our hearts and lives. Your birth helped sustain us with some faith and hope. It’s taken me a lifetime–but you’ve taught me to say it and feel it–I love you and it’s forever.
I know Dad, I finally know.
New Radio Interview for Replacement Child
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010New #radio interview for Replacement Child. Listen to Meet the Author interview of Judy Mandel.
“Replacement Child” for a Physically or Mentally #Challenged Sibling?
Thursday, February 25th, 2010Another interesting facet of the ‘replacement child’ discussion is the idea of expanding the term to include the child who is born after a mentally or physically challenged child. In some families, the subsequent child may be looked upon to live out the hopes and dreams that parents had for the first child–that were thwarted when they discovered the child’s disability. I hadn’t specifically thought about this until a friend, psychotherapist Elayne Savage, PhD, brought up the topic when we spoke today. She has had a good deal of experience treating adults who identify with being a replacement child, and says that replacing a living sibling in this way can have similar impact with regard to identity and rejection issues. (Dr. Savage is also available for consultation.)
Although Replacement Child doesn’t deal specifically with this notion, many of my stories in the book point to a complicated dance around my sister Linda’s — I hesitate to use the term — disabilities, that were due to the plane crash and the burns she suffered at the age of two. I certainly felt guilt at being the one spared from the crash, especially in the face of her continued struggles with her reconstructive surgeries, physical limitations and extensive scarring. So, as Dr. Savage pointed out–I had a double wammy of replacing my sister who died, and being the replacement for my living sister to be all that she could not be for my parents. Hmmmm—complication upon complication.
A replacement child for a physically or mentally challenged sibling carries the responsibility of living up to parents’ expectations for the first child that may undermine their sense of a unique identity. It may be another overlooked aspect of family history that can have far reaching implications in our choices, our relationships and our understanding of ourselves.
All content © Judy L. Mandel 2008 - 2010
