Judy L. Mandel
Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’
Hidden Reasons for Exploding #Relationships
Wednesday, September 1st, 2010Have you ever wondered why everything you do seems to disappoint someone? Or why you keep choosing the same kind of wrong person to be in a relationship with? How about why you are sometimes triggered into an emotional reaction that seems over the top?
At one time or another in my life, I answered yes to all of the above. After writing Replacement Child, which entailed no small amount of soul searching and honest self-evaluation, I would suggest that you might want to look farther into your past–and your family history–than most people ever do. And, I’m talking about even with most professional counselors. I have been to my fair share of therapists over the years, marriage counselors mostly, who never once touched on the fact that my family suffered a tragic plane crash that killed my older sister. Since I brushed aside any thought that this family history could affect my present life, so did they. So, harboring the responsibility to live up to the promise of my killed sister didn’t come up. Or the self-identity issues that came with it. Not until I unearthed it myself by writing my story.
I would suggest that many people may have underlying “promises” that hinder their relationships and keep them from being their full self. Even something further back in your family history may be having an affect on your reactions and internalizations of situations. I think of my own son and how he will probably always have some impact on his personality and life from that long ago plane crash because of how my parenting was affected by it.
You may also wonder why a simple question from your spouse or partner may set you off–when they think it was innocuous. I always had an intense emotional response when my boyfriend or husband walked away in the middle of an argument, or turned away from me. Now I know that it was a deep memory of my father’s aloof coolness toward me.
Looking deeper into your own background, and farther back into your family history may turn up some surprising parallels for you if you are in the midst of a troubled relationship, or just trying to figure yourself out.
Cover story for REPLACEMENT CHILD
Monday, August 23rd, 2010“The replacement child–a developmental tragedy”
Friday, July 30th, 2010Crash Anniversary January 22 – And a Trip to Remember
Monday, February 1st, 2010I scheduled a flight this year on the 58th anniversary of the plane crash that took my sister’s life, changed the lives of everyone in my family, and was the very reason I was born. Usually, my sister Linda would have sent me a warning email or called me to tell me not to plan a flight on this day. But, she’s gone now, so no warnings came when I planned this trip to LA for a book signing.
It was the last actual booksigning scheduled for the launch of Replacement Child, and I made it into a mini vacation for me and my husband to explore California together a bit. The northeast has been pretty brutal this year and I looked forward to thawing my bones a little as a bonus. Another bonus was that I got to see some old friends who are out there.
That part was truly special, to catch up with old friends and to remember myself as I was when we were all just teenagers. It is amazing what we didn’t know then–about ourselves, and about the individual challenges we all faced within our families. Talking to my two childhood friends I realized that although Replacement Child may be anchored in a unique tragic event, the family issues within its pages are universal. We all have internal barriers to our happiness and success that we had to surmount, either from our parents or siblings–or just circumstance. Parents were different with their different children, and each had their own experience–some better than others. Sometimes we barely recognize the description of a parent told from the point of view of our brother or sister. For many of us, it’s taken the better part of our lives to understand the reasons we may have sabotaged relationships, or chosen the exact wrong person to marry, or failed to take the risks needed for our success. But, what I discovered from my own writing is that it’s never too late to claim your life and to live out your dreams, whether they are lofty ones or just the hope that we can be quietly happy with someone who we love, and who loves us.
Oh yea, the rest of the trip was fabulous! California is a beautiful wonderland. Maybe that’s my next dream, to live in those gorgeous hills near the ocean where you can almost feel your spirit lifting out of your body and screaming in delight.
All content © Judy L. Mandel 2008 - 2010
