Judy L. Mandel
Hidden Reasons for Exploding #Relationships
September 1st, 2010Have you ever wondered why everything you do seems to disappoint someone? Or why you keep choosing the same kind of wrong person to be in a relationship with? How about why you are sometimes triggered into an emotional reaction that seems over the top?
At one time or another in my life, I answered yes to all of the above. After writing Replacement Child, which entailed no small amount of soul searching and honest self-evaluation, I would suggest that you might want to look farther into your past–and your family history–than most people ever do. And, I’m talking about even with most professional counselors. I have been to my fair share of therapists over the years, marriage counselors mostly, who never once touched on the fact that my family suffered a tragic plane crash that killed my older sister. Since I brushed aside any thought that this family history could affect my present life, so did they. So, harboring the responsibility to live up to the promise of my killed sister didn’t come up. Or the self-identity issues that came with it. Not until I unearthed it myself by writing my story.
I would suggest that many people may have underlying “promises” that hinder their relationships and keep them from being their full self. Even something further back in your family history may be having an affect on your reactions and internalizations of situations. I think of my own son and how he will probably always have some impact on his personality and life from that long ago plane crash because of how my parenting was affected by it.
You may also wonder why a simple question from your spouse or partner may set you off–when they think it was innocuous. I always had an intense emotional response when my boyfriend or husband walked away in the middle of an argument, or turned away from me. Now I know that it was a deep memory of my father’s aloof coolness toward me.
Looking deeper into your own background, and farther back into your family history may turn up some surprising parallels for you if you are in the midst of a troubled relationship, or just trying to figure yourself out.
Cover story for REPLACEMENT CHILD
August 23rd, 2010Psychological Look at Replacement Children
August 14th, 2010What is a Replacement Child?
August 7th, 2010When I start to talk about my book, Replacement Child, the first question I am usually asked is “what is a replacement child?” I then explain that it is not a term I invented, but that I found the term in my research around grieving and loss, especially that of a child. The following link gives a very clear definition, and offers clinical background to the reasons and cautions behind the syndrome:
Talking to other replacement children
August 4th, 2010Recently I’ve found other people that identify with being a replacement child of some sort. Talking to them, it is uncanny the similarities I am finding in my own feelings and attitudes, even when their circumstances are vastly different than my own. It’s apparent, for instance, that parents of replacement children–those born to replace a sibling who has died–don’t talk about the child who died. Some don’t even acknowledge that the child existed until the replacement child may discover some old photos or documents that clue them in.
I remember when I first started asking about my sister Donna and the plane crash that killed her. My mother insisted that she had told me everything about it. But she hadn’t really. Until I was around 10 and started asking questions, I thought it was only a fire that had killed my sister, and nearly killed my other sister–leaving her scarred and needing surgery after surgery to reconstruct nearly every part of her 2 year old body. I had no idea a plane had crashed into their house.
These other replacement children are telling me similar stories that their parents thought they knew the details of their particular story through some kind of parental osmosis. Some started asking questions at around the same age I did, others not until they were in their twenties or later. Still others never thought to ask until some physical evidence–like a secret baby book–was discovered.
At first, I would have thought–no harm done, what does it really matter? But, the more I learn about the long-term effects of being a replacement child, the more I realize that knowing the origins of certain feelings and issues is the first step in taking control over your life and your relationships.
I’m also more and more convinced that other replacement children are out there–that may not recognize themselves as such until someone asks the right questions. And, because of that, they may not understand some of the issues that keep popping up in their relationships.
Judy L. Mandel is the author of Replacement Child, a Memoir
Famous #Replacement Children
August 2nd, 2010It’s always interesting to learn about the famous #replacement children. Here’s another interesting article about #John Coltrane:
Others include #Vincent Van Gogh, #Salvador Dali, Ludwig van #Beethoven, Chateaubriand, Camille Claudel, Stendhal .
If you know of others, please add them to the list here!
Conceiving after loss: ‘You can never replace a child’ – CNN.com
July 31st, 2010Van Gogh’s Fantasies of Replacement: Being a Double and a Twin — Blum 57 6: 1311 — Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association
July 29th, 2010Listen to the Newest Discussion for Replacement Child on Syndicated Radio Show
July 28th, 2010Last week I had the pleasure of talking with Kim Iverson of Your Time with Kim on her syndicated radio program, broadcast in nine metro areas. We talked about some misconceptions out there about replacement children and how parents can avoid some of the negative effects on children they decide to have after losing a child. Briefly, we touched on the Travolta/Preston news that they are expecting–wishing them the best with adding to their family.
You can listen to this latest discussion here. Thanks for tuning in! Let me know your thoughts about it on the blog.
All content © Judy L. Mandel 2008 - 2010
